A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.
-Maurois Andr
When we take a new job we get the details down about the job description, company values, pay, vacation, benefits and the like—or the lack of the aforementioned. We then proceed to shake hands and go to work. Sadly, oodles of deals are made to be broken or eventually amended. One day when it’s not going as well as we had hoped, or things change—we part company. Or at least one party starts to threaten the other, seeing as this might somehow motivate the other.
Sounds like a lot of marriages I have heard about.
For lack of a better term, I will call them marriage deals.
Too many of us who are married, and others of us like myself who have been—don’t know the first thing about what real love looks like or how it responds when it isn’t appreciated or returned. Television and Hollywood surely have their own warped ideas about love and the church isn’t much better often times. Over half of the marriages here in these United States end in court and some estimates say that over seventy-five percent of second marriages ultimately fail—which ought to say something about of all of the first time divorces to begin with. And if you think the infidelity rate among married couples is any lower than our current divorce rate, I’d say think again, as not all marriages that are victim—are aware of it—at least one side isn’t. And then there is the much overlooked issue of reverse infidelity that ends up having ravenous effects on a marriage. Even fewer of us like to talk about that hot potato.
I say this as bluntly as I can to wake you up to the stupidity of what you’re doing. Is it possible that there isn’t one levelheaded person among you who can make fair decisions when disagreements and disputes come up? I don’t believe it. And here you are taking each other to court before people who don’t even believe in God! How can they render justice if they don’t believe in the God of justice?
These court cases are an ugly blot on your community. Wouldn’t it be far better to just take it, to let yourselves be wronged and forget it? All you’re doing is providing fuel for more wrong, more injustice, bringing more hurt to the people of your own spiritual family. (1 Corinthians 6:5-8, The Message Bible)
When you think about it, marriage isn’t some version of a business deal in which we shake hands on and agree to such and such. No, marriage is to be a commitment to love someone when they don’t love you very well and even when it seems like they might hate you instead.
Maybe we ought to think a little bit more about our own approach to marriage—and divorce?
4 comments
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July 17, 2008 at 5:10 pm
extracruem
not sure why it said that Amy. Can you try again?
Ken
July 17, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Amy
Yes, my questions was why do you think there is so much hatred in/during a divorce?
July 17, 2008 at 9:13 pm
extracruem
Amy,
That’s a great question and there are many folks much more able or qualified than I to answer it. But, I won’t use that as a cop out to not answer it.
So here goes.
I think it comes down to human nature really. We are dealing with two fallen, and some times both saved I’ll add—individuals. And some times we call hate “hate”, but it’s the emotional element we are getting at—the same could be said of “love” if you ask me. I love my golf clubs, “Really?”—you might ask. And when challenged I will have to confer—I enjoy and am fond of them very much, and could desperately use some lessons with them. But to say “I love my golf clubs” isn’t really fair or correct.
Mind you, there is hatred—we know this. I just know that many times we have all seen children act like we adults do, or should I say—us adults act like children (speaking for myself—I know I have more times than I can count).
Marriage, many times (not always), is the union of two souls in the most glorious of ways. No two people have the capacity to love one another any more and by the same token, hurt one another more—and when someone gets offended and lets that offense eat at them—or they just can’t get a handle on it—well, let’s just say the results are never pretty.
Resentments can be some pretty powerful fuel.
Ideally there would be no hatred during divorce but only love—but since it’s divorce and a good many of them are out of spite, hurt feelings, damaged ego-pride, loss of hope and/or trust, and even greed—love gets put in a box with the wedding photos through a divorce and put on the curb many times. I think it’s safe to say that God could or maybe would work more miracles, but we are not a patient people nor a forgiving one—and that’s not to say we trump God. But how much of his best he has in mind for us do we ruin?—is a valid question I think. How many people really think divorce is the best idea, but they go ahead and do it anyway? I’m not sure we short circuit the healing only God can offer when a marriage goes south or lands on the rocks or even falls apart—but we sure make God’s job tough on him. Even a newly married couple in the best of situations needs basic components clicking to stay close—and ultimately get closer–or die (marriages that remain or get stagnant always die in one way or another, it’s only a matter of time). And it takes more than playing together as goes the old adage(”the couple who plays together stays together”)—some times that’s the same couple in divorce court six months later.
I will be writing more in the next couple days and was earlier today about the very dynamics that keep a marriage, or any relationship strong really—and see to it they get stronger. Any living thing, including relationships, need to grow in order to be healthy—or healthy in order to grow (chicken or the egg?). Many marriages end up dead that don’t divorce and just as many never should have divorced but should have been patient and humble enough (one or both parties) to see the thing through—and maybe even some ugly times—not to mention lonely.
Having been through a divorce that I was very responsible for, but one in which after God was gracious enough to heal my heart in large degree after many years of being resentful towards my ex-wife (a marriage that after some not so good times I wanted to be beautiful and make it)—I have my own opinions and realize they aren’t maybe so much tainted or one-sided as much as they are limited. I do think divorce is nasty and is never nice—sort of like it is for a non-smoker to kiss a smoker. “Good divorces” are myths—how can something God hates, be good? That’s not to say that God can’t work good out of them—as he is so capable of and willing to do.
My firm-firm belief is that we have looked at divorce almost as a solution—when in most cases it’s nothing of the sort, and certainly not what God had in mind when he ordained the institution—mind you, much happens under the sun that God isn’t hip on.
As for the cases in which divorce is the way to go—that’s God’s call.
I know I rambled on, but this is subject I am well acquainted with.
And I’m not sure I provided you a satisfactory answer—but I have tried to.
Thanks for asking.
Ken
July 17, 2008 at 9:15 pm
edbooked
Getting married is easy. Staying married requires a lot of conscientious self-giving effort.